love and fear

Love is hard to explain. There is no true definition. Because words can only explain so much of what it is. Love can be easy or be hard. For me i have fallen twice in my life and have fallen twice. The first time was more of a nieve love, i didn’t know how it felt but i thought i knew. it was broken. The last and second time was less than a year ago, had i was the one to walk away, because i found out how unhappy i was. i thought i was love, but really it was FEAR. And some of it was that i loved giving compassion and taking care of someone. Fear was towards more of being alone the rest of my life, and that their wasn’t anyone out there for me. After the second time i thought i loved but fell changed me. i moved i tried to live life without the fear or feel diginity towards myself that i can be independent and not feel like i need a companion with me, espically at the age of 19 years. Love can be easily miss lead. you can THINK you love that thing or person but ican be a cloud of something bigger. For me love was a cloud to cover up the fear i had and also to not show my vunerable side. I had a relationshipp with a guy when i moved out into the world on my own. It was different, i didn’t feel anything passing me, but i did have that fear. That fear made me want to move things so fast in the relationship i had. But what made me remember this one paticular relationship was the FALL. The fall was when i asked him after a fight if he was happy. his anwser was i don’t know and he ends up spending time talking about whether to end it with me with his sister. I knew it was going to happen, i felt it. I could acually feel the Fall wihtout it happening yet. Was i getting use to Falling? But what made it so memerable was when he talked to me about WHY he wanted to break things off. because he knew my FEAR, he knew i wasn’t in love. He didn’t put it in those words but the way he desrcibe my faults and me being on top of him 24/7, he knew. My heart sunk the most that night because i knew that night that i didn’t just not love him truely but i didn’t love myself, i feared because i put it in my head that i was only capable to be with someone that was Ok. What i mean by okay is that the people you see that are okay for that person but you know can do better. Many people except many realtionships and except that person to love because they think that is all they’ll get and there won’t be any better. Peoples exceptations become so low of whats the best for them because they don’t think they can get better. They think they on;y deserve so little when really they deserve so much more! I realized that the last relationship i had that i wasn’t just fallen but was smacked in the face by the reality of my fear. Fear brought me into so much hurt. When he told me all the things i only thought, my eyes were opened and my heart hurt the most that night. Why did it hurt so much? Because i didn’t just fall but i failed.  How can one fall from a relationship and fail? I failed by putting fear into a reltionship that could have grown great but fear struck and i pushed things and wasn’t patient. I let something get in the way of having the chance to actually fall in love in a good way. I didn’t just fail the relationship but i failed myself because i let somethign else get in the way. Why is Fear and Love so strong and power full. Why do the two words, change peoples life and choices in life?

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